A Four-Alarm Holiday Emergency

(With apologies to Clark Wilhelm Griswold Jr.)

by Duane Swierczynski

The knock came late in the evening.

As I opened the front door, our door knocker — and the wreath it was holding — was ripped from its moorings. Our newspaper delivery guy was holding it in his outstretched arm.

"Mr. Swerzynsksgrmund … ?" he mumbled.

"Yes?"

"This newspaper fell between the seats in the delivery van. I'm sorry."

I unwrapped it and stared at the headline.

"Merry Chri …" he started, but the door closed in his face.

"What is it, honey?" my wife asked. Our extended family was gathered in the living room, and all of them were staring at me, expectantly. Could it be my holiday bonus? (Actually, well, no, it couldn't be — I was holding a newspaper. But my family is Polish; they're to be forgiven for these things.)

My jaw dropped.

"Is it better news than you expected?" my wife gushed.

I shook my head.

"SEPTA is threatening to raise fares 50 percent by next March," I said. "And possibly cut back service on weekends."

If this wasn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the stomach … I defy you to name another organization that shamelessly abuses its customers as much as SEPTA. (Besides PGW.)

Just like the evil Frank Shirley in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation felt no need to tell his employees he suspended the holiday bonus, SEPTA's board doesn't feel the need to explain how it mismanaged itself into a $72 million shortfall. Instead, they prefer to stamp their widdle foot and ask for more money.

Who do they ask? The state legislature, who turned an employment, environmental and economic crisis into a political pissing match, and who decided to split for Christmas vacation 10 days early.

Many of whom don't have to rely on a rickety SEPTA bus to get them home.

If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas, I have one. I'd like the entire SEPTA board, right here, tonight. I'd like them brought from their happy holiday slumbers with all of the other members of the Republican-dominated state legislature, with big ribbons on their head, and I want to look them straight in the eye and tell them what cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fare-raising, low-life, city-hating, pork-barreling, overindulged, ignorant, tax-sucking, brainless, shameless, hopeless, heartless, lazy-ass, dim-eyed, quick-legged, tight-lipped, bull-headed sacks of political incompetents they are.

An explanation would be nice, too.