The Great White Dope

This Thanksgiving, we should all go heavy on the drugs.

by Duane Swierczynski

This Thanksgiving, we should all go heavy on the drugs. In particular, tryptophan. That's the free narcotic (okay, okay—"essential amino acid") inside every Thanksgiving turkey. Tryptophan is why mixing turkey and, say, a nice Chianti turns you into an Olsen Twin: sleepy, dopey, with no particular ambition or desire.

Shit's potent.

But that's not a bad thing, considering the year we've had. This country needs the tryptophan. Stat.

Look at the past two weeks alone: Sharon Reed got nude in Cleveland. Nicolette Sheridan got nude and jumped into Terrell Owens' arms. Jersey girl Tara Reid got partially nude and didn't even realize it. When people weren't getting nude, they were getting violent. The Pacers were duking it out with fans during a game with Larry Brown's Pistons. A wayward trash truck barreled down 19th who usually goes out of his way to avoid physical combat—yanked his own bodyguard around by the arm.

History tells us that the fall of any great empire is marked by two things: rampant nudity and wanton violence.

We all need to calm the hell down before somebody gets hurt.

So this week, whenever you're overcome with the urge to strip down to your skivvies or bloody someone's nose, stop. Eat turkey. Lots and lots of turkey. It's safer than heroin, more Atkins-friendly than booze.

With enough essential amino-acids, maybe we can get through this crazy post-Nov. 2 season in one piece.

And in this week's issue:

Admit it: you thought the headline referred to Mike Missanelli, didn't you?

Our profile of the former WIP yakker marks the cover debut of new staff writer Doron Taussig, who met his subject on his home turf. "I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood in Queens," says Doron, "and apparently my editors thought it would be funny, in a haze-the-rookie sort of way, to send me to a very, very Italian bar in South Philly."

Please, Doron. If we wanted to haze you, we'd send you to Cleveland to get nude.

Doron, 23, started contributing in January, and in a case of news-intern-makes-good, joined our staff full time in late September. Previously, he'd spent a year with the Philadelphia Interdisciplinary Youth Fatality Review Team, identifying trends in the causes of death among Philly's youth.

Despite this, Doron isn't the grim guy you might expect. He's got a wicked sense of humor. Which will serve him well. Because for his next story, we're sending him to…

Well, you'll see.