wtf

by Duane Swierczynski

Snap Decisions

We all know the holidays are approaching — 104.5 has been playing Jose Feliciano and John & Yoko since, oh, late July. But if you're like me, you won't start shopping until you're about to hop the Frankford El home for Christmas Eve dinner. (Don't give me that look. You'd be amazed at the bounty of heartwarming gifts you can find in the Rite Aid automotive aisle.)

Brian Howard is here to save your keister. He put together a truly useful holiday shopping guide (p. 19) aimed at the tough-to-please crowd — you know, those pains-in-the-ass who roll their eyes and whine about how you don't understand them. A&E editor Lori Hill does the same for the book geeks on your gift list in our Holiday Book Quarterly 2004 (p. 37).

Between the two sections — and along with a devoted band of shopaholic scribes — Brian and Lori compiled 208 gift ideas. If your loved ones are still unsatisfied, screw 'em. There's always Turtle Wax.

But the real champ of the issue is our hard-workin' shutterbug with more than a passing resemblance to Jesus — Superstar Jesus, not Passion of the Christ Jesus — Mike Regan. Because it was up to him to photograph those 208 gift ideas. In one day.

Things started OK. Mike decided to shoot clothes first. "Then we realized that much of the clothing was horribly wrinkled," says Brian. "After much panic, [food and listings editor] Juliet Fletcher stopped by her house on her way back from a meeting to pick up an iron." If you look carefully at the photographs, you can admire the masterful creasing.

Noon rolled around, and Mike noticed that he'd only made it through a fraction of the 208. This was a problem: He had to be out of the office by 3 to pick up his kid at day care. "So we plowed through the rest of the photos," says Brian, "though we did have to coerce Mike to do things like take certain items out of their boxes."

"Never let a hungry photographer who's jacked-up on coffee set your photo-shoot schedule," adds art director Jessica Weber.

By 3, Mike had snapped some 800 photographs. Which, to me, is a gift unto itself.

So tell your unappreciative friends and family about Mike. About how hard he slaved over these photographs. Don't they feel guilty now? Don't they know it's Christmas, after all?

Letter of the week:

Reader Vladislav Kozlovsky (you know what's coming, right?) writes: "I think you underestimate the number of Eastern Europeans who live in Philly. I can pronounce your last name just fine." Which is nice. Mr. Kozlovsky continues: "However, how in the world do you pronounce "Duane'? Is that a Polish name?"

This is why I love you guys.