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here's a plug: Are Better Breathers nasal filters a cure for city dwellers' weary nostrils?

Less words, more story.

The Rocky Road Back from the Swiss Cheese Incident

Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry, the man who last August made an inexcusable faux pas while ordering a cheeseteak, is trying very hard to get in touch with the Philadelphia spirit.

Between demands that Donald Rumsfeld retire and comments about middle-class tax breaks, John Kerry once again drew the city's attention to his lack of Philadelphia-ness at the Steamfitters Local Union 420 in Northeast Philadelphia on Aug. 25, when Bernie Strain of Manayunk presented the presidential candidate with a pair of red boxing gloves "in the spirit of Rocky Balboa … for fighting for the middle class."

"Do I have to run up the steps to the Art Museum? Is that part of the deal?" he awkwardly joked when presented with the gift. There is something a bit strange about picturing this trim man with a Boston accent running up the Art Museum steps a la Sly Stallone.

Was the incident scripted? It is hard to tell. It did seem like an attempt to give his speech a bit more of the Philly feel and help the Yale-educated Kerry appear more in touch with the working man.

Those who have a hard time picturing Kerry in boxing trunks will remember that this is not the first time he has attempted an appeal to Philly's heritage. Kerry is best remembered in these parts for the cheesesteak incident that put a black mark on his political record almost exactly a year ago. While in the city on Aug. 11, 2003, in the shadow of Pat's King of Steaks, the senator made a terrible error in judgment when he ordered his cheesesteak with Swiss cheese. What could be less Philadelphian?

Kerry was not the first presidential candidate to undergo the cheesesteak test. Clinton, Gore and McCain all passed. To Kerry's credit, he didn't ask for Grey Poupon. Maybe he can be a contender after all. — Jonas Raab

Stick These Up Your Nose

To the untrained, uninformed nostril, "Better Breathers" are little more than plastic nose plugs with honeycomb holes and cotton "breathing filters." Marty Samschick — a familiar face down at the Famous 4th Street Deli and the cover model for City Paper's April Fool's edition — says his nose knows better, though. The local retiree/walking infomercial sees Better Breathers as a simple solution for annihilating "21st-century airborne pollutants."

"The moment you put this in your nose, it opens up the passage enough for you to breathe easier," Samschick says. "I've put out thousands of products in the past 50 years, and I've never run across anything like this. It helps everybody: carpenters, runners, drywall people."

What about stuffy journalists? This CP writer plunged a pair in his mucus canal to find out. Alas, it produced results. Direct effects? A tickly sensation, not unlike the flick of a feather. Also, steadier breathing, or maybe that was just the comedown from this morning's coffee binge. And in the long term? A slight headache, or maybe that was just the fallout from this afternoon's coffee binge.

As for Samschick, he uses the filters daily while walking. The diabetic claims they allow air in and keep pesky irritants out. Said irritants include secondhand smoke, malicious dust mites, gasoline exhaust and "particles down to .01 microns." That last figure stems from the product's inventor, 47-year-old Louis Van Den Bergh of Brussels, Belgium. He introduced it to Samschick at a European seminar, where international inventions are licensed for global distribution.

Before Samschick's involvement, Better Breathers were only sold in Japan, Canada, France and England. In the three months since he started selling the product online (www.better-breathers.com) and distributing it to random people (golfers, joggers, asthmatics, the lawn care department of Home Depot), he says he's moved more than 9,000 cases of 12.

FYI: they are available in three sizes (small, medium and, you know, large), at $7.95 a dozen. It's a steal really, if you're sick of popping Allegra for allergies while avoiding your neighbor's fat cat Phoebe.

"I sleep with them at the nighttime and I don't snore," Samschick says, alluding to another use. "At least I don't think so. My girlfriend never complains." — Andrew Parks