Ready or Not?

Tom Ridge's terrorism-readiness commercials give me heartburn.

by Bruce Rosner

There I was, just sitting on the couch watching the tube, when the show broke for a commercial. To my surprise, the spot wasn't advertising an SUV that transforms into a comfy bedroom, celestial observatory or Frisbee golf course, nor for the latest potion to make what little hair I have left fuller and more lustrous.

No, it was our very own secretary of homeland security, Tom Ridge. He of the color-coded hysteria barometer, plastic sheeting and duct tape. The point of his appearance on my TV screen was to tell me about an important Web site containing vital information to help me prepare for who knows what.

Vigilant fellow that I am, I immediately logged on to the site, www.ready.gov, to see what I, as an average American, could do to prepare for the host of looming, unpredictable threats to my well-being and continued existence.

The site's home page proclaims, "Don't be afraid. Be Ready." Well, I'm certainly in favor of not being afraid. It's not good for the head or the tummy, although it does generate gobs of greenbacks for the pharmaceutical companies.

Dig deeper into the site and it claims to explain how to prepare for terrorist attacks that could come in biological, chemical, explosive, nuclear or other forms. In a nutshell, the advice amounts to this: Make a plan. Specifically, put together a kit of emergency supplies including water, clothes, flashlights, batteries, toiletries, prescription medicines and "other special things your family might need." Oh, and "also include duct tape and heavyweight plastic garbage bags or plastic sheeting."

Here we go again.

I don't know Tom Ridge, but from what I've seen of him on TV, he seems like a nice enough guy. How, exactly, that qualifies him to be the point man in the 24/7/365 effort to protect you and me, I'm not quite sure. To be fair, I haven't seen the job description for secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, and I was not asked to sit in on his job interview. Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother me too much, but given the Bush administration's record for decision-making, I'd be interested in knowing who else was considered, just to make sure that Ridge was, in fact, the best qualified candidate.

I'm fairly certain, though, that as affable a fellow as our former governor may be, there were plenty of other prospects with actual counterterrorism knowledge and experience. Former counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke and former Marine Gen. Tony Zinni come to mind, but, of course, the administration isn't fond of either of them. I suspect, though, that it wouldn't have taken much of a job search to find someone capable of giving us better advice than the recycled 1960s fallout-shelter recommendations that populate the pages of ready.gov.

My nagging discomfort recently resurfaced when Ridge once again appeared on my TV screen to announce that he was in possession of information that Osama bin Laden and his cronies are planning an attack somewhere in the United States sometime this year, perhaps in an effort to influence the November election. The intelligence, he explained, was credible — if not specific.

"We lack precise knowledge about time, place and method of attack, but along with the CIA, FBI and other agencies, we are actively working to gain that knowledge," Ridge explained.

Well, that makes me feel a lot better. Particularly in view of the repeated statements made by President Bush, Condi Rice and other administration officials during the 9/11 hearings that it's unfair to expect the government to be able to pre-empt terrorist attacks without being handed precise dates, times and GPS coordinates.

While I'm flattered that Ridge seems to enjoy visiting my living room nearly as often as David Letterman, I'd feel a lot better if he'd just pop in when he can tell me something specific I can do beyond being generically alert. Until he can do that, I would respectfully suggest he take down the ready.gov Web site and redirect the money used to transform the site — however modest in the scheme of things — into actual intelligence and law enforcement activities.

Ready.gov?

I sure hope so, but in the meantime, where'd I put the Maalox?

Bruce Rosner is a marketing consultant and writer from Newtown Square who conducts writing workshops at elementary and middle schools. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (800 words), contact Brian Hickey, City Paper managing editor, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail hickey@citypaper.net.