icepack

by A.D. Amorosi

When Tall Ships with big masts enter Penn's Landing July 1, it'll be a perfect ending for the unofficial Dick Week. Sculptor Omri Amrany erected his 18-foot-long statue of famed dick-user Wilt Chamberlain outside Wachovia Center this week. (We can just hear The Stilt saying "not big enough!") In TV's lowliest move since exchanging Dick York for Dick Sergeant, Survivor producer Mark Burnett got INXS — who lost their singer to autoerotic asphyxiation/suicide — to look for a new singer in his reality show Rock Star. (Rule No. 1: Try not to die with your dick in your hand.) Major dicks! Producers of Home at the End of the World are so outraged over Colin Farrell's long schlong, they've cut his full-frontal-ness from the pic (ouch) because it's "too distracting." I've heard that comment: "Mr. Amorosi, could you remove your dick from first class. It's too distracting." I was in coach. Ba-dum. Some are pissed off at the success of Bill Clinton's book (although its popularity will surely be superseded by the new bio on Jim Morrison's dick). Why? 'Cuz Clinton's presidency was all about dick. Who'd be mad? Men who don't get to use theirs. This cavalcade of dick has knocked boobs off the chart — a reason no one cares about Courtney Love's puckered nu-boobs posted everywhere. We'll do boobs next week. … Maneo.com dropped a line to say Philly Late Night Promotions' new weekly, "Don't Miss the Boat After, After Party" will take place aboard the Liberty Belle every Saturday. Or, Sunday, as Maneo.com's e-mail states the party is "serving alcohol, from 4-7 a.m." The note claims "legalities for this party have been satisfied by Barry Goldstein Esq." PLNP secured a multiyear contract ("costing an arm and a leg") to be the exclusive party host for The Liberty Belle 365 days a year for the hours between 3:30 a.m. and 9 a.m." More soon. … WHOWHATWHERE: Co-star Mo'Nique was nowhere to be seen. But Shadowboxers/Tragos regulars Cuba Gooding Jr. and Stephen Dorff brought cast (Helen Mirren, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and crew (producer Damon Dash, director Lee Daniels) to the tequila rooms they call home. Dorff and Gordon-Levitt were spied in my neighborhood — around Pat's and Geno's — that night. Skinny Puppy hung at Shampoo after their Dancing Ferret-booked show at Electric Factory. On the "remember Party Monster" tip (Special K, my rhinestone Jackie O glasses), Lady Bunny hung at Shampoo while Keoki spun with OctoPussy at Emerald City. Hil St. Soul, Ms. Copasetik & Cool herself, stuck around at Beyond after her set. … June was Black Music Month. How'd we celebrate? Sadly and solely by having Harold Melvin's Blue Notes perform during the seventh-inning stretch of a Phillies game with the Phanatic. Bunny Sigler, who tackled the anthem that night, should've knocked that green thing out with a bat. … Phrase o' da Week, taken from the Daily News: "bowel-busting boulevard of bad-boy craters rimmed with stiletto-sharp SEPTA rails." Yoiks! They're starting to sound like me. … Are Real Worlders sluts? After Real ladies were rumored to have invited Loie's male help into their home, we hear whispers that Texas photog Ahmadu Baari, the guy who was arrested Memorial Day weekend for trespassing into World headquarters, may have been invited. You go, Baari. (He got off from all charges.) And what's sluttier? Last week's Club 27 party with the mostly undressed girls of www.GirlsofPhilly.com and the human frappe of Philadelphia Hot Tub Rentals. ... KYW account exec JoAnna Marmon has a devilish second job as CEO of Interpred Jam Booking/Promotions. Her first gig? Lacuna Coil and Tapping the Vein at the Troc, July 19. … Don't laugh at anyone un-clad at Denim's July 1 Bikini Party with Jazzy Jeff. I'm kidding. Please giggle. … After June gigs and look-ats by the Roadrunner label, Trash Light Vision (Steve Haley, Acey Slade, Roger Segal) left for a month of M°tley-meets-Misfits noise in Europe. Upon landing in late July, Segal's set for some Live Nude events at Pontiac. … Bernie Mac's Mr. 3000 co-star, Philly's Scott Martin Brooks, is the new voice of Church's Chicken. "I was in Manhattan to audition for something when my agent asked, "Wanna audition for Church's?'" Martin got the gig after three takes. "You won't see my gawgeous face, but when Church's commercials start running, listen closely. You might be able to hear me chewing gristle." ... Albanian clothing designer Bela Shehu opened her South 13th Street shop last week, the "sexy slick meets organic chic" bSHEHU that'll sell her own line as well as items from Kasil and Biche de Bere. … Carolyn "Motherfucking Clash" Chernoff gave up her gig as director of community arts partnership at U of P's Center for Community Partnerships to stay mother-fucking and be half of Selector Get Huffy with Rich Hoak from Total Fucking Destruction. … "It's Spalding Gray meets Spacemen 3 and Sun Ra," says Philly perf-man Mike Walsh, of debuting Gank, at Millcreek July 1. Get skronking.