April 15-21, 2004

the bell curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

Rat poison is killing squirrels in Rittenhouse Square. Meanwhile, the squirrel poison's not sitting with the bums too well. Minus 4

City forgoes annual $18 million payments from PGW and extends its loan to the financially troubled gas company by two years. Wow, PGW's a bigger deadbeat than its customers. Minus 3

Al Sharpton rails against George W. Bush during back-to-back sermons at a South Philly Baptist church on Easter Sunday. Talk about preaching to the choir.

Plus 3

Philly population decreasing at a slower pace than it used to. Relax, that only means we're dying slower deaths.

Plus 1

City under siege by bicycling muggers, according to Daily News. City under siege by Daily News, says Bell Curve.

Minus 1

SEPTA says it won't raise fares or cut services for now. Like you're gonna believe anything we say about SEPTA from here on out. Plus 2

Muskrat wanders onto Betsy Ross Bridge, forcing two lanes of traffic to be shut down. Muskrat poison falls into Delaware, kills the Duck. Minus 1

Animals are stolen from area agricultural high school, possibly by activists who mistakenly suspected experimentation. "But it was kinda inhumane," says kidnapped hamster. "I was always like, "Let me sleep! I'm nocturnal, dammit!'" Minus 2

Phillies lose first game in Citizens Bank Park. Tear it down! Minus 3

Total pluses: 6

Total minuses: 14

This week's total: -8

Last week's total: 7

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