Heads You Win...

Don't let the 2004 campaign become church versus Lurch.

by Jay Schiffman

The election of 2000 was the greatest electoral travesty since Richard Nixon tried to steal the 1972 election. Contrary to what many Democrats think, though, the travesty of 2000 was not that Democrats were robbed of victory. The travesty was that Americans -- Republicans and Democrats alike -- showed that when the political stakes get high, principles go out the window.

It’s important to revisit this issue in 2004, because it’s not out of the realm of possibility, in a country as divided as ours, that this year’s election will be another contested one.

If 2004 is a contested election, I have a novel suggestion. Let’s just flip a coin. Heads, Democrat. Tails, Republican. It’s quick, neutral and cost-efficient, and it would save us all the embarrassment of pretending to be principled.

For this year’s election, the motto of both parties should be "More in 2004!" More principles. More genuine policy debate. More crystallization of issues. Less character assassination. Less fuzzy math. And most importantly, less trying to divide the country along religious lines. My greatest fear for 2004 is that Rove and the Religious Right (R3 for short)will ratchet up the religion card, making the divide between religious and secular Americans even greater than it already is.

While Bush will portray himself as a pious man, R3 will portray Kerry, and his flock of gay-loving Democrats, as pagans. If R3 has its way, 2004 will be the church versus Lurch. R3 will try to get Kerry to play Lurch (the mysterious and spooky butler from the radical and godless ’60s sitcom The Addams Family), while George Bush (His Holier Than Thouness) will play the church.

Although like Lurch, Kerry is a tall, lumbering man, with a one-note range to his voice, portraying him as a sort of godless pagan is a Republican strategy doomed for failure. Not only is John Kerry a courageous war hero -- one George Bush should revere -- he is a devout Catholic who once considered becoming a priest. Kerry has made clear that, unlike Bush, he, "tend[s] to be more personal in [his] faith and not throw it at people." You can be sure that the Religious Right will make an issue of the fact that Kerry -- a Catholic -- is not very "forthcoming" about his religious beliefs.

R3 should be careful in 2004 to question Kerry’s religiosity. It will not only be bad for the country, it will be bad for Republicans. As much as America is a God-fearing country, Americans don’t want to be preached to about something as personal as religion. If Bush continues to say that the Bible prohibits abortion or the sanctioning of gay unions, that’s his constitutional right. But if he’s going continue to piously preach that his religion informs his policy decisions, then Kerry should call him out on this utterly unprincipled dogma. At their first debate Kerry should pull out the good book, open it to the Gospel of Luke and say, "Mr. President, you’ve said on numerous occasions that religion informs your policy decisions, right?" Bush will nod with his usual semi-perplexed look. And then Kerry should say, "According to Luke, Jesus said: 'Blessed be ye poor: for yours is the Kingdom of God. … Give to every man that asketh of thee’ (Luke 6:20-30).

"Mr. President, your tax cuts -- 40 percent of which go to the top 1 percent of Americans -- can’t be informed by this passage or the hundreds of others where Jesus says we must provide for the poor. We have 45 million people without health insurance and you’re giving tax breaks to millionaires! Your tax cut isn’t informed by your religion, is it?"

For the country’s sake, I hope that Kerry doesn’t need to get defensive about his religion or critical about Bush’s. My hope is that both candidates will remember that our country is dangerously divided along religious lines, lines that mirror partisan differences. If 2000 proved anything, it’s that in a contested election, principles and politics do not go hand in hand. If 2004 is another contested election, and religion is a major issue, watch out! Partisanship will reach a record high and principles a record low. And a coin flip may be our only principled option.

Jay Schiffman is a political satirist, with a background as a political scientist, lawyer and author. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (800 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.