The Buzz

What to get when chocolate just won't cut it.

by Sono Motoyama

Girls, this Valentine’s Day, do yourself a favor. You’ve received gifts of flowers or jewelry or chocolates in the past. They didn’t really do it for you, did they? Felt a little let down, perhaps? Though, admittedly, Belgian chocolates come mighty close, this year you can do better. This year get the gift that says you love yourself. Get the gift that’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Get the gift that you’re sure to get off on. Get yourself a vibrator. I’ve carefully narrowed down the field to five vibrators that come highly recommended, had interesting concepts, or that, well, I could get for free or at a discount (thanks, Erogenous Zone and Passional). I put them through rigorous scientific tests and rated them on a scale from 1 to 10. All are ones that you can use by your lonesome. Most could probably get you off in about two minutes flat. How many lovers can you say that about?

Waterproof Mega-Mite, $12.95. The owner of Erogenous Zone tells me this is basically a copy of the Pocket Rocket, plugged on Howard Stern's show, which sells for about twice the price. Slim and compact, at about 4 inches tall, it could easily fit in your purse. It has soft rubber nibs at the vibrating end that you hold to your hot spot. It takes only one AA battery and does the job quite efficiently and pretty quietly. The only thing I might note is that because of a design flaw, when you turn it off, it's easy to open it accidentally so the battery falls out. Rating: 8. Best Buy.

Teddi's Butterfly: The Wings of Ecstasy, $19.95. This one is also for external stimulation. The vaguely butterfly-shaped vibrator is encased in soft pink vinyl with "stimulator nibs" in the center. It comes with straps to attach it to your thighs, which seemed unnecessary. But the nifty thing about this one is that it has a "variable speed pleasure dial" -- a hand-held device that lets you control the vibrator's speed. Fairly quiet except at the highest speed. Takes two AA batteries. Rating: 7.

Pocket Exotics Double Silver Bullets, $12.95. You can insert these two ovoid bullets into the orifices of your choice, or use one for internal and the other for external stimulation. They also are attached to a variable speed control device -- attached with flimsy looking wires, which seems a bit dicey considering they may be inside you, and also makes cleaning them problematic (you wouldn't want to shock yourself or short them out). Takes two AA batteries. Rating: 6.

Ultra Tech 5000, $69.99. Passional owner Kali Morgan says this is a lower-cost version of the iVibe Rabbit, as seen on Sex and the City. Purple and penis shaped, it's 9.5 inches tall, though the part you can actually insert is about 5 inches. The head rotates, there are "pearls" in the shaft that also rotate and a "rabbit" protrusion in front vibrates your clit. There are two controls, one of which you can use to vary the speed of the rotation (high speed starts to sound like a blender). Too many bells and whistles on this one, in my opinion. And unless you're perfectly proportioned for the device, the rotating pearls can actually be uncomfortable. And it smells funny. Takes four AA batteries. Rating: 2.

Hitachi Magic Wand, $69.99. Highly rated by Ms., Bust.com and the women at Passional, this is the gold standard of vibrators. It's sturdy, like an appliance, comes with a warranty and plugs in. In fact, Hitachi markets it as a "massager," and at 12 inches long, with a soft head with a diameter of about 2.5 inches, it's definitely not meant for insertion. It has two powerful speeds (the higher speed sounds like a mixer). Morgan notes that it is so strong it can get you off through your clothing. Attachments, not made by Hitachi, are available. Rating: 8.

Crystal XTC Pleasure Curve, $29.99. Morgan highly recommends using the Magic Wand with a curve-shaped dildo with bulbous protrusions along the shaft. To use both, you need to be sufficiently aware to use both hands, though the result is arguably worth it. This dildo is acrylic, but the sophisticated sex toy user might graduate to a more expensive glass dildo, valued for its heft. Rating (for the two together): 9.

Braun Oral-B Power Toothbrush, $25.99. Inspired, I realized any vibrating household appliance could do the trick. This one does, though it may take a bit longer than a dedicated vibrator. But it's multi-use, rechargeable and available at any drugstore. Rating: 5.

Sono Motoyama is a features writer for the Philadelphia Daily News. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (800 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.