Operation Camden Freedom

by Howard Altman

If you really look at what’s going on in the world, you cannot help but think that we here in Philadelphia are rank amateurs. We wring our hands and fret about bugs in City Hall and the festering stench of pay-to-play (PTP).

One subject of the wide-ranging FBI probe into municipal corruption, a former gang member, reportedly threatens a reputed snitch, who just happens to be one of the mayor's top aides.

A powerful state senator has the feds snooping around -- over dismissed parking tickets as well as payments to his pet charity.

This is small time, people.

All told, we are talking what, maybe millions of dollars here?

Pocket change to the Poobahs of PTP, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.

The war in Iraq has cost tens of billions of dollars, more than 500 U.S. lives and the lives of thousands of Iraqis. But almost every day, there's another story about someone making good off this stinking mess.

Namely, the Halliburton Corp.

The Texas oil conglomerate -- formerly run by the vice president, who insists he has no continuing interest in the firm (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) -- is making tens of millions of dollars in no-bid contracts while overcharging taxpayers for, what else, oil.

And that's only the feed at the top of the trough. The gummint's handing out billions in no-bid and practically limitless contracts, no small amount of which will wind up in Halliburton's grubby meat hooks.

Listen up, John Street.

Read it and weep, Vinnie Fumo.

Take some notes, Shamsud-din Ali, Ron White, George Burrell and the rest of you jolly jokers.

George and Dick are red hot.

You guys ain't doodly-squat.

Fear not my friends, I have a plan.

A pre-emptive attack on Camden.

It's not as crazy as it sounds.

And it's not like you can't argue pretext.

Talk about how you must liberate the people of Camden from the tyranny of the Board of Chosen Freeloaders.

Besides, we know New Jersey means us no good. They keep trying to steal our business. They keep trying to steal our tourists. They keep trying to steal our sports fans. Hell, they even have a battleship docked on their side of the Delaware with its 16-inch guns and Tomahawk cruise missile tubes aimed right at us.

They are a great and gathering threat.

If any of those nattering nabobs of the press or weak-kneed, lily-livered liberals of the legislative body challenge you or raise a stink, just tell them that you know there are weapons of mass destruction in Camden. I mean, have you ever seen the place? Will anyone doubt it?

So what if, a year from now, you are forced to grovel before Tim Russert for a little 'splaining session on Meet the Press?

Just tell Timbo that if Philadelphians waited until Camden was an imminent threat, it would have been too late.

Don't worry if that sounds like a hay wagon full of hooey.

It worked for Bush.

Besides, what better way to take people's minds off our fiscal crisis.

The good news is that while the populace is occupied in the nasty business of war, they are less focused on our rotting economy and the decision-making process that turned a record surplus into a looming deficit.

And if you guys think that you were living large on Philly-style patronage, just think of how much easy money will be out there in fat, no-bid IDIQ (indefinite deliver, indefinite quantity) contracts to rebuild Camden.

Shamsud-din and Ron would have a field day. Milton would make a mint vending weenies to the occupation forces.

And Vinnie would revel in his new gig as the minister of parking and citizen's alliances for the Camden Provisional Authority.

Sure, there are some potential pitfalls to this plan.

No doubt you'd see insurgents flowing in from Gloucester City to cause trouble. They're no friend to the Philadelphia people. And there's bound to be unrest in Pennsauken, which you'll need as a staging ground for any attack.

But don't let that stop you.

Once you put the fear of God into those heathens, they'll eventually back down like the dogs they are. Even if you have to flatten the entire South Jersey.

You have to send 'em a message. Show 'em you're tough.

Because if you back down to Camden, what about Merchantville? Or Salem? We know for a fact that Salem, like North Korea, has nukes.

Even in the worse-case scenario and things don't work out, you don't have to lose any sleep.

Just blame it all on intelligence failures.

And let the next bunch of elected knuckleheads clean up the mess.