The Bell Curve

City Paper's weekly gauge of Philly's Quality of Life

Fake guns that only fire blanks but look and sound like the real thing might be a new trend for aspiring thugs, according to Daily News. "Least we hope so," says reporter. "That boxing glove-gang thing never took off the way we'd hoped." Minus 1

A old sex tape of Dr. J and a woman who is not his wife surfaces during his divorce proceedings. Man, that finger roll belongs on his highlight reel. Minus 2

City sues for $1.5 million to $2 million from company whose malfunctioning air-handling units damaged City Council chambers. "Our machines weren't built to deal with that much hot air," explains company rep. Then he hit a cymbal with a drumstick. Even

Both of Councilman Brian O'Neill's city-issued cars are stolen, bringing to light the fact that O'Neill is the only Council member with two city-issued cars. "Probably seems excessive," admits O'Neill. "But if I'd had three cars I'd still be driving to work today." Minus 2

West Philly's self-dubbed "King of the Pickpockets" is charged with 28 counts of stealing from college kids. How come it's not a crime when Penn does it? Plus 2

Judge Bernard Goodheart, who has been marrying couples on Valentine's Day for more than 25 years, will be on vacation this Feb. 14. Judges Rashdecision and Igiveitsixmonths will fill in. Minus 3

Flyers fan who fell into the penalty box and got roughed up by Maple Leafs bruiser Tie Domi two years ago wants a boxing rematch for charity. That's not a fair matchup since Domi fights for a living. They should have a skating competition. Plus 2

South Philly boy's letter addressed to Santa at the North Pole is returned to him for insufficient postage. "Sorry," says spokesperson. "Santa Claus isn't real, the North Pole is too far away and we are bitter, petty people." Minus 1

Total pluses: 4

Total minuses: 9

Score for the week: -5

Last week's score: -11