Say Christmas for Me

'Tis the season to not call a holiday by its true name.

by Amy L. Webb

Here’s my Hanukkah wish: O all ye gentiles, please start using the word Christmas again. Every year at about this time, I start getting invites to all sorts of "holiday" events. There’s the "holiday shopping spectacular" at Bloomingdale’s. The "holiday cocktail shindig" for my 20-something friends. The "holiday concert" performed by the orchestra. The "holiday carols" played on every radio station. And the inevitable "holiday party" at work where they serve "holiday cookies," "holiday ham" and "holiday egg nog."

I don’t know who made the decision to stop using the word "Christmas," but replacing it with "holiday" has never made sense to me. I remember when I was in fifth grade and my sister was in first. Together, we comprised 100 percent of the Jewish population at Watson Elementary School in the south Chicago suburbs. That year, the music teacher decided to call our annual concert a "Holiday Music Showcase" but still wanted my sister and me to sing "O Come, All Ye Faithful." What was the point? We were supposed to spend an hour singing about Christmas trees, the birth of Jesus and coming to be faithful (about what, we had no idea). My mother called Principal Andrews demanding that if they were going to call it a "holiday" show, they’d better include a few traditional Hanukkah songs. But he scoffed and asked, "Isn’t it enough that we changed the name of the concert?"

It’s almost as if gentiles around the country have been secretly meeting for years to determine how to keep the red and green in decorations, all the Santa Claus figures and the baby Jesus statues intact -- without us Jews catching on.

I gotta tell you, taking the "Christmas" out of Christmas really threw us for a loop. For a while there, a lot of us almost felt mainstream. I had visions of a giant menorah in front of City Hall, Hanukkah jingles on Casey Kasem’s Top 40, even reality shows (Jew Eye for the Gentile Guy -- call me at work, NBC. I’m waiting!).

But after a while, we started to catch on. It’s pretty clear what "holiday" means. Stores have started hawking Hanukkah ornaments decorated in blue and white -- apropos, considering that some places are now selling Hanukkah bushes (which, remarkably, look like Christmas trees).

I realize that switching over to "holiday" was supposed to help us feel more included. But it’s done the opposite. I feel more excluded, like I’ve ruined everyone’s fun because America can’t use the word Christmas anymore. Think about the last time you said "holiday" in front of "party" or "sale." It sounds forced, unnatural. And let’s be honest. It feels that way, too.

Maybe the problem is that Jews haven’t been proactive enough. We don’t really have easy-to-sing-along-with carols. It’s a hell of a lot easier to join in a chorus of "Silent Night" than it is "Maoz Tzur" or "Mi Yemalel." There isn’t anything pretty to look at, unless you count the nine candles on the menorah, and these days everyone already has candles in their living rooms. We don’t have any sidesplitting, feel-good movies like Elf or The Santa Clause. Instead we have angry Palestinians throwing rocks at us on CNN.

And it’s hard to initiate an annual party when our religious calendar doesn’t have 365 days. We wouldn’t even be able to guarantee a date for December -- sometimes Hanukkah falls in late November, sometimes it starts on Christmas Day. With unpredictability like that, we’ve got a serious handicap to overcome.

I think there’s this misconception that Jews want Hanukkah to be lumped in together with Christmas and Kwanzaa and whatever else gets celebrated at this time of year. I, for one, would rather that we just acknowledge that not everyone is Christian and move on with life.

To me, it seems more realistic to call that big green thing with sparkly lights a Christmas tree, because that’s what it really is, after all. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Raindeer" and "O Holy Night" are holiday songs -- and that holiday is Christmas. Sales that start a week before Dec. 25 and offer free gift wrapping are for people buying Christmas presents.

If we’re going to make the extra effort not to exclude certain religious groups, we may as well go all the way. Start having Hanukkah parties, and serve latkes (potato pancakes) along with that fruitcake. Illuminate giant blue-and-white dreidels in your front yards. Start holding those sales when it’s convenient for Jewish shoppers too.

Or, as I suspect you will, just do nothing at all. In that case, you may as well call it Christmas, for Chrissake.

Amy L. Webb is a City Paper staff writer. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (850 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper editor in chief, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.