Savage Elf

by Bruce Schimmel

’Tis the season for shucking, jiving and huckstering. So I was thrilled when Vance Lehmkuhl -- the political cartoonist with whom I was honored to share this page -- called recently to remind me to write something nice about his newest Christmas CD. It’s the least I can do for my favorite savage elf.

Vance's musical offering this year is called Another Christmas Ruined by Bah & the Humbugs. As you can guess, it's a musical satire with enough sour wit to offer a healthy antidote to this sugary season.

To be fair, I enjoy singing Handel in chorus. Beauty is beautiful regardless of race or religion. But for me, most Christmas songs have long been ruined.

As a Jewish child, it felt downright weird to be singing my heart out in school about the baby Jesus. As an adult, hearing Christmas carols used to sell crap completed the songs' aesthetic demolition. I can't hear "Little Drummer Boy"-- alas, even the disco version -- without sharing in that special Yuletide euphoria that comes only from being in a crowded shopping mall late in the season.

For people like me, or for less cankered souls, Vance could be your replacement muse. My spouse -- who, despite me, still manages to enjoy the holiday -- roared as Vance rapped his way through the "Monsanto Clause." Vance plays the part of a fast-talking drug industry exec who exalts "the magic of genetic combination," of "sugarplums that play the drums" and "mistletoe that grows and grows."

This being a time to celebrate immaculate, miraculous creations, Another Christmas Ruined takes several pokes at genetic engineering. In "Genetically Modified Gingerbread Man," the cookie comes alive and gets nuts: "He's part Jim Carrey, part Jackie Chan/ Genetically modified gingerbread man/ The gingerbread man picked up a knife/ "Let's make some warranties void!'"

And in "Free the Reindeer," the liberated animals, unaccustomed to being free, fly directly into the open sea. Most drown. But not to worry, replacement reindeer are cloned. Pumped up, Santa’s faithful schleppers are then transformed into vicious horned beasts.

In other songs, Santa suffers from an obsessive disorder and compulsively keeps checking his list. Too depressed to fly, St. Nick is replaced by a rum-running pirate called Jolly Roger, who has a penchant for stealing liquor while delivering presents. Meanwhile, back at the Pole, overworked elves squabble over beer.

It's a wonderful world.

Another Christmas Ruined is available at www.bahandthehumbugs.com. You can order the CD for $10, about $8 of which will be donated to the U.N. World Food Programme.