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Seth on the beach: On <i>The O.C. </i>, obvious heartthrob Benjamin McKenzie (left) is outshone by the thinking girl’s dreamboat, Adam Brody.

Seth on the beach: On The O.C. , obvious heartthrob Benjamin McKenzie (left) is outshone by the thinking girl’s dreamboat, Adam Brody.

CP’s guide to the fall TV season.

by Debra Auspitz, Lori Hill, Patrick Rapa

In the pages preceding and following this one, weíve offered you a guide to the upcoming seasonís cultural events. You now can plan a full four monthsí worth of going out to the theater, the opera, galleries and museums, dance performances and much more. As for us, most of the time weíll probably just sit on our asses and watch TV. For those of you whoíd care to join us (at least in spirit), here are our unscientific, occasionally uninformed opinions on whatís new and continuing in TV land.

Battle of the Network Nerdy Hotties There was a time when girls who love their nerds couldn't find a better poster boy than Scrubs' J.D. (Zach Braff). He's a doofus, yes, but, to a certain segment of the female population, an undeniable heartthrob. What would these ladies do all summer while waiting for Scrubs to start up a new season? As if to answer our prayers, the heavens have provided the television universe with Seth (Adam Brody) on Fox's new 9021clone, The O.C. Seth takes nerdy hotness to once-unreachable heights, driving smart girls and hipsters who couldn't care less about leading man Ryan into a rabid frenzy every Tuesday night. But as of the end of October, The O.C. is moving to 9 p.m. on Thursdays, the time slot immediately following NBC's Scrubs. Can our hearts take an hour and a half of unadulterated fantasy boys? Scrubs, NBC Thursdays at 8:30 (starts Oct. 2); The O.C. , Fox Tuesdays at 9 until Oct. 30, then Fox Thursdays at 9.

Place Faces Not that we are anywhere near bored with the Melrose Place reruns on the Style Channel, but if you were wondering what two of the best MP villains are up to these days, you'll find them in the fall TV lineup. The ultimate crazy bitch, Kimberly Shaw (Marcia Cross), will be playing some character on the WB's Everwood. Who cares what she's doing (none of us watch it anyway), we're just assuming she'll finish her character arc by blowing up the town. And Jake's woman-beating, assassin-hiring brother, Jess (former MTV Sports guy Dan Cortese), is on a truly awful-looking UPN sitcom, Rock Me Baby. We don't recommend actually watching either of these, just thought you'd want to know that they're baaack. Everwood, WB Mondays at 9 (starts Sept. 15); Rock Me Baby, UPN Tuesdays at 9 (starts Sept. 16).

More Philly Shows to Ignore It's not just Hack anymore! When you get back from your town meeting berating the cabbie drama's film crew, you can watch yet another attempt at making Philly a star, CBS' Cold Case. It follows the detectives who really never give up till they get their man (even if that takes 20 years). Plus, Philly girl Eve has her own show, the aptly titled Eve, on UPN. Where will we find the time to avoid watching all of this?

Hack, CBS Saturdays at 9 (starts Sept. 27); Cold Case, CBS Sundays at 8 (starts Sept. 28); Eve, UPN Mondays at 8:30 (starts Sept. 15).

There’s Hope (and Faith) for Buffy Fans! OK, not really. But there's at least a little cold comfort available for those of us still mourning the death of the Greatest Show Ever (send letters to the editor to editorial@citypaper.net). Two Buffy alums will be strutting their stuff on the small screen this season. Big-Bad-turned-slayer's-lapdog Spike is not, as it seemed from the Buffy finale, a big pile of dust. He is, in fact, now on the WB hanging out with the Angel folks. Maybe if Spike can come back from the dead, James Marsters can revive this dead-in-the-water show? Miracles do happen. Also, the best Buffy bad girl ever, Faith (Eliza Dushku), has her own show, Fox's Tru Calling. Terrible, terrible name. But she's hot and always fun to watch, so maybe we'll enjoy seeing her travel back in time to save people from their untimely deaths. Again with the miracles Angel, WB Wednesdays at 9 (starts Oct. 1); Tru Calling, Fox Thursdays at 8 (starts Oct. 30).

Get Out Yer Kryptonite The WBís Smallville is back, and some stuff is happening. Who cares? This show has a great theme song but it may be time to let go … but Lex Luthor can stick around. Maybe a guest-starring role on Scrubs or The O.C. ? WB Wednesdays at 8 (starts Oct. 1).

More Joe Millionaire Someone fell for this crap again? Yes -- the American public.
Fox Mondays at 8 (starts Oct. 20).

Loni Anderson Alert! No, not a WKRP reunion special, some awful-looking new show about trashy people with mullets. It's actually called The Mullets. How far Anderson's star has sagged.
UPN Tuesdays at 9:30 (starts Thu., Sept. 11).

You’re With Who? On ABCís Iím With Her, a regular guy dates a Julia Roberts-size superstar. Wait, wasnít that the plot of Notting Hill? Apparently this one is based on regular guy Chris Henchyís relationship with a Brooke Shields-size superstar. Fascinating. ABC Tuesdays at 8:30 (starts Sept. 23).

Why, UPN, Why? Jake 2.0 is about a computer whiz kid who gets infected with nanites and becomes a superhero of sorts. Why, UPN, why?
UPN Wednesdays at 9 (started Sept. 10).

Dude, Where’s My Life? So, as of last season on Alias, Sydney Bristow wakes up after giving the coolest ass-kicking ever to her evil replacement roommate, only to find out it's two years later, everyone thought she was dead and her boyfriend, Vaughn, went and married some ho. We're on the edge of our seats
ABC Sundays at 9 (starts Sept. 28).

Skin-Tastic We have nothing of value to say about Skin, the new porn-industry-meets-Romeo-and-Juliet series. But damned if weíre not gonna watch it. Fox Mondays at 9 (starts Oct. 20).

Schmo Money, Schmo Problems Spike TV (you know, Lifetime for men) is capitalizing on the secret to Joe Millionaire's success, namely, lying. In Joe Schmo, poor schlub Matt "competes" for $100,000 on this fake reality show where all the other contestants are really actors -- think Truman Show meets Big Brother meets that asshole who lied to you in grade school every day. So far, watching him get played like an Xbox, despite the frequent screw-ups by his improvising co-stars, has been a guilty pleasure. But, since Matt has yet to do any interviews (filming has long since ceased), you have to wonder whether A) all the lying pissed him off, or B) he was also an actor and the joke is on us schmoes. Never trust a liar to only lie once.
Spike TV Tuesdays at 9 (season already in progress).

24’s Heaven The season-three preview leaves us with questions: Will Jack stop the Really Deadly Virus from like wiping out the world? OK, David Palmer is still around, but how many hands does he have? Is Jack's wife really actually still alive?! No. But where's Kate Warner? And Sherry Palmer? Will Tony Almeida laugh? Will Michelle dance? Will Kim finally get eaten by a mountain lion? Will her new boyfriend turn out to be a bad guy? And does he know what happened to her last two boyfriends?
Fox Tuesdays at 9 (starts Oct. 28).

Life is More Than Mere Survival Producer Mark Burnett is promising a major twist at the end of Survivor season seven. Like somebody gets eaten by a pirate, maybe? The Pearl Islands game feels a little like filler before they dust off all the old champs and connivers for an all-star edition in season eight. Anyway, we're rooting for the big, bearded Gimli/Jerry Garcia-looking guy.
CBS Thursdays at 8 (starts Sept. 18).

What Does Practice Make? With its cast decimated by David E. Kelley's shallow pockets (Bobby, Lindsay, Rebecca, Helen, Lucy and Claire have all been given the heave-ho), who knows what The Practice's seventh season will bring? Romance has already been explored between serious but lovable Eugene and dippy but earnest Jamie. Maybe Ellenor will find true love. And Kelley always does ripped-from-the-headlines plots campier than any Law & Order spinoff could ever dream of. ABC Sundays at 10 (starts Sept. 28).

Central Jerk Well, Friends, we've haltingly, somewhat painfully reached the end of the line. We know your characters will all quip off into the sunset with marriages and babies and fabulous jobs; the series still has a chance to end gracefully (and with better haircuts than it had in 1994). But you won't leave us alone, will you? You'll bring us your Pallbearers and your Eds and your Serving Saras (and very soon, at least one spinoff). And every once in a while you'll surprise us with a Good Girl. But just promise us one thing: Please please please don't let Emma grow up, not even for a reunion show. NBC Thursdays at 8 (starts Sept. 25).

Must-See Experiment So this is what's filling the slot now mercifully vacated by Good Morning, Miami. Coupling seems like a genius marketing move. It's the Americanized version of the popular and funny partner-swapping British TV series of the same name, and they've cast pretty people like Rena Sofer (General Hospital, and, incidentally, another Melrose baddie) and Lindsay Price (All My Children, Beverly Hills, 90210). Let's hope the re-do is as funny as the original, but it's got to be better than both Miami and the actresses' soapy histories. Right? NBC Thursdays at 9:30 (starts Sept. 25).

Highway to Boring Creepy girl from The Ring is now the creepy girl from Joan of Arcadia. She plays the daughter of Joe Mantegna and Mary Steenburgen who begins to see "God" everywhere, in the guise of everyday people who tell her how to make her life and her family's life better. What is it with Friday night TV and religious overtones? We're not all little old ladies. CBS Fridays at 8 (starts Sept. 26).

Cryer Me a River Two and a Half Men, a.k.a. My Two Dads and a Full House: Hotshot bachelor Charlie Sheen takes in sad, divorced brother Jon Cryer and his 10-year-old son. They all learn to love each other. Don't get us wrong, we love Duckie as much as anybody, but this has early cancellation written all over it. CBS Mondays at 9:30 (starts Sept. 22).

If All Else Fails … Waiting in the wings are two shows that are sure to be critically acclaimed but popularly ignored, in the fine tradition of My So-Called Life and Once and Again. Why so fatalistic? Because one sounds quirky and thought-provoking, the other will probably be subtly acted and depressing as hell. Wonderfalls concerns a weird teenage girl who works in a Niagara Falls souvenir shop and to whom inanimate toy animals and cartoon characters talk (the creators themselves have called it Touched by a Crazy Person). Still Life, starring David Keith and Susanna Thompson, is narrated by the eldest son of the Morgan family, killed in the line of duty, as he looks in on his family's life a year after his death. Stock up the tissues now, as much for the plot lines as for when it's ripped heartlessly from your TV set much too soon. FOX, dates and times TBA (midseason replacements).