Choc Full

by Alex Richmond

Finding the perfect cocktail can be as difficult as finding the perfect lover. You know one is out there, but there are so many ones that disappoint. A good rule of thumb is to try many out; just know youíll have to slug back a few things that make you grimace before moving on to a glass of utter deliciousness, as rare as the gorgeous man who sounds sincere calling you sweetie. Scratch that: Itís easier to find a good chocolate cocktail.

Let's start with martinis. Bump has a half-price martini special during happy hour. For $3, you get a Bailey's-creamy, vodka-spiky chocolate martini garnished with a maraschino cherry. It goes down sweet, then strong. And between 5 and 7 p.m. weekdays, it's only $3. That's cheap. Have three and then see if you can't find love outside of the bottom of your glass.

I had the best chocolate martini in the city at Walnut Street's restaurant and lounge, Denim. They blend Bailey's, crème de cacao, Godiva Dark and Van Gogh chocolate vodka. The result has a delicious potency that leaves you wanting more. The Van Gogh (which goes for $30 a bottle) is incredibly smooth, so you won't get that spike-in-the-head feeling when you drink cheap stuff. The only thing that may hurt you about this drink is the price ($11). But it's big, comes garnished with a chocolate stick and the rim of the glass is dusted with cocoa powder to help sweeten things up. After the first one, you'll be so sated you'll think it's a bargain.

Beer lovers should try the Young's Double Chocolate Stout at Black Sheep. Though it's Guinnessy in color, aroma and thickness, there is an undeniable chocolate aftertaste that will curb any cravings for dessert. Young's adds real baker's chocolate to the brew, and Black Sheep bartender Paul McKenna says, "Even in summer, we sell a case a week. In the winter, it's two or three."

And if you want to get hammered very quickly, ask for a Car Bomb (originally known as an Irish Car Bomb). You fill a pint glass one-third of the way with Guinness. Pour a shot of Bailey's, leaving room in the top for a whisper of Jamison's. Then drop the shot into the pint glass and chug the whole thing. It's a thick, sweet, alcoholic milkshake that will fuck you up. And if you feel uncomfortable asking for a drink with such an insensitive name, McKenna says "Only one bartender here gets offended by it, because he's from Belfast and lost some friends to bombers. Most Irish could care less. I don't mind them, but they're a pain in the ass to clean up after. All those glasses get messy." To avoid bartender ire, ask for a Baby Guinness: a shot of Kahlua with Bailey's floating on top. Only one glass, and all that chocolate taste.

But sometimes, you make the best things at home. Fill a martini glass two-thirds of the way with chocolate water ice. (The best is from John's at Seventh and Christian.) Top with a shot of vanilla vodka. Slurp and enjoy the boozy sweetness, either alone or with someone.