Conversation Piece

by Toby Zinman

Hideous Man: Well, sweetie, how'd you like that?

His Date: Why did you take me to this disturbing show? It's funny and it's sad and I'm really rattled.

HM: What do you mean, why did I take you? To enjoy yourself, to see some brilliant acting, to check out the opening of the fall season, to get a jump on the Fringe. Didn't you like it?

HD: I was fascinated. And you're right -- Scott Greer and Tony Lawton are brilliant, playing all those different men being interviewed by an invisible woman; it's so brave of them to reveal all those attitudes you guys really share. No matter if you're a graduate student from Yale or a construction worker, it's all the same: contempt, fraud, manipulation -- anything that will get us into bed.

HM: That's harsh. Granted, some of those characters are a little creepy -- especially the one who has a flipper instead of an arm and uses it as a sexual sympathy "asset" -- but they deserve some credit for being honest.

HD: Credit?! Honest?! They're being honest about what liars they are. Who is this David Foster Wallace anyway?

HM: Take it easy, honey, we're not all like that. And besides, it's just a show. Wallace, who wrote Infinite Jest, also wrote a book of these interviews -- made some of them up -- and Greer had the idea of adapting them for the stage. Lawton and Michael Hollinger and Aaron Posner, who directed it, worked on it with him. Guy drama.

HD: Don't condescend to me. It's not "just a show" -- it's a serious indictment of male sexual attitudes in the postmodern world, where men are unable to accept responsibility for their reprehensible behavior and think that confessing that they're reprehensible is sufficient.

HM: Gimme a break: Cut the postmodern gender discourse and ease up on the empowered-through-insight feminist bullshit.

HD: Wait a minute, wait a minute: Why, really, did you take me to this? What's the agenda here? Are you trying to tell me something? Have you been sleeping with other women?

HM: Now, you see? Right away you start with accusations. Just because I find women irresistible, just because I have a strong libido, you assume I've betrayed you, that I want to leave.

HD: Leave? Who said anything about leaving?

HM: Listen, sweetie, since you bring it up, I've been thinking that you should feel more independent, take charge of your life. I think you deserve some space.

HD: Space?!

HM: I knew youíd take this the wrong way. You know I love you -- Iím just trying to help you past all these fears of abandonment. Theyíre really just another way of expressing contempt for men.

HD: Are you nuts?! We listen to a series of monologues that begin and end with guys revealing how suffering through rape turns them on -- no, not just turns them on, but "moves" them, justifying this sicko pathology by philosophizing about the psychological expansion created in the mind and soul of the victim, and you tell me I fear abandonment?! That I feel unwarranted contempt?!

HM: Look, sweetie, calm down. You always get so worked up that it's impossible to have an intellectual conversation with you. I've always been totally respectful of women, I understand your need for post-coital chitchat, and for cuddling. Haven't I always been there for you? I mean even when I'm out of town, I let you call me on my cell, don't I?

HD: I'm going home.

HM: OK, great, let's go to your place -- we can skip going out for a drink. You know how it turns me on when you get all mad and your cheeks get flushed and you flip your hair in that way I love.

HD: I'm taking a taxi. Alone. And you know what else? This is not a date show.

BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN

Through Sept. 20 1812 Productions at Smoke, 233 N. Bread St., 215-592-9560