Largest Public “Y.M.C.A.” Dance

by Patrick Rapa

When they finally tear down Veterans Stadium it's gonna look like euthanasia. Over the years it has suffered every sort of indignity that happenstance and poor planning can muster. Its outfield is littered with bruised knees and hammies stretched like taffy, its upper decks are stained with beer, blood and the flop sweat of countless souls yearning to be winners.

"Well, I bet the beloved, downtrodden underdog of an arena has one last humiliation in 'er," said everyone in the Phillies marketing department all at once recently. So they to make the Vet the site of the largest public "Y.M.C.A." dance ever. And we ticketholders are called upon to be willing combatants in this, Philadelphia's latest battle for national disgrace. It'll be in the seventh inning of Friday's game, when everybody's good and ripped, too. And get this: The Village People (the youngest of whom is now, no lie, 181 years old) are playing the Spectrum the next night, but are too busy to show up and lead the dance in person.

To give you some idea of the competition, the previous record of 13,588 was set at a minor-league game in Omaha in 2001, a time when the Phillies organization would have done some kind of dance if that many people showed up to watch baseball. But these days we have Jim Thome and an often first-place team, and there are enough cheeks in the seats most nights to attempt this kind of stunt.

What can we do, people? You know the Guinness fact-checkers are going to say we all did the stupid four-letter gyrations whether it's true or not (Seriously, is anybody counting?), so we might as well do the damn dance. But I just heard that Ye Olde Citizens Bank Ballpark will be equipped with ejector seats on all levels. Everybody who so much as tries to do the dance will be hurtling toward Jersey before they get to "M."

Largest Public “Y.M.C.A.” Dance, Phillies/Cardinals game, Fri., Aug. 15, 7:05 p.m., $10-$28, Veterans Stadium, Broad St. and Pattison Ave., 215-463-1000.