Let’s tally April’s lousy nightlife stuff: Northern Liberties peeps hit over the head by assailants with bricks. Bullets flying in Old City. A bomb threat at Bar Noir?! At David Carroll’s Noir b-day party, he joked about getting the scare as the clock struck midnight. "That’s no kinda present," he laughed, saying the police received the call and sent cars for the hoax, immediately emptying the place. "It took 30 minutes to clear the place but 10 minutes to get everyone in after the cops inspected it. No matter what goes wrong, people want to party here. Somebody told me they’d rather die here than anywhere else."… My fave quote: Plain Parade at Doc Watson’s Internet ad tag: "Where Allen Iverson’s Friends Don’t Get Shot." Two points for A.I.: He’s been seen driving that Bentley in Old City.… I hear Clear Channel’ll liven up Penn’s Landing beyond River Jams, with Elvis Costello in July and a June 28 jawn doubling Sonic Youth and Wilco.… Neptunes Chad Hugo and Pharrell Williams’ Star Trak label are dropping Philly’s Rosco P. Coldchain’s debut, Hazardous Life. Williams met Amin Porter (Coldchain) at a Philly’s Most Wanted vid-shoot in 2000 and fell in love with his grimy griot-ness and wack metaphors. Coldchain will open 50 Cent’s U of P show April 25.… Don’t wanna sweat through another hot R5 gig at First Unitarian Church? Sean Agnew is holding a "Punk Rock Flea Market" May 3 to raise money for air conditioning. For a $5 browsing fee/donation, you can look-see what Agnew hopes will be "people bringing records, furniture, clothes, bikes, art, appliances, band equipment and whatever else." That means you -- all dealer fees go to raising $18,000 for AC at the Church. Plus Agnew says there are raffles to win R5 passes and the right to give "Daily News’ Dan Gross a mohawk."… Dennis McHugh (who raised $1,500 for Paul Green School of Rock via his Joe Strummer tribute) is getting St. Jack’s to groove every Wednesday to DJ O.C. Bob’s punk/ska/dub sound and a look McHugh says is "NE Philly."… The lesbian ladies of Stonegraham Productions, vaulted from Valanni (as we told you in last week’s News section), move their dance-’n’-what-have-you parties to Cianno’s at 15th and Snyder.… WhoWhatWhere: Gwen Gioia and Helene Eksterowicz (Bachelor II) hung at 32° for Creative Mind Studio’s "Second Sunday Casting" party. Ben Taylor (James and Carly’s kid) saw Local Honey at The Fire after selling out the Keswick with Dar Williams. Upright bass man Lee Rocker made a Blue Comet stop on his Bulletproof tour, anticipating a Stray Cats reunion soon. And directors Spike Lee, M. Night Shyamalan and Michael Moore were all at Michael Jordan’s last game at FU Center. After that, Moore spoke -- a lot, nearly two hours -- at a U of P student union event at the Annenberg Center to much applause from students. He even passed his Bowling for Columbine Oscar around to folk from the GET-UP grad-student/teacher/worker program after they gifted Moore with their T-shirt. The GET-UP types may have kissed his Oscar, but I hear they don’t want to smooch U of P prez Judith Rodin, who is not interested in their unionization. Maybe GET-UP should shut down the university or go to the Supreme Court or something? (Go to www.getuponline.org to dig what they say.)… Jimmi James (Madman At Large Productions) takes the lead in Daylight Theater Zone’s Invasion of the Brat From Hell, April 25-May 17 at the Shubin.… After Clutch Cargo nabbed a spot on SW Records’ Up & Coming electro-comp (with the song "Wide Open"), that same trio (George Manney, Su Teears, Rocco Notte) start a new jazz-standards project, Su Teears Jazz Band, with gigs at Bar Noir (April 29) and June 4’s Pennypack Park Festival. (Sax man Bob Longely and Rob Williams on upright bass join in.) Manney’s pal, Mike Fraticelli, and Rumor Hazzit will get their Geo Sound-produced debut Keep It Under Your Hat released at a party at Grape St. April 26, with Manney in tow.… Along with starting SoMa’s Disco-Fire Wednesdays ("Wednesday is the new Friday"), Dirty Dave Pianka and co. usher forth the next Making Time at Transit April 25 with Adult. and Trash DJ Rory Phillips. The next night is Transit’s third anniversary, which will go till 10 a.m.… The Risk-Taking Type Music folk welcome back Philly-expat avant-guitarist Jon Madof, with a release party for his Rashanim CD (on John Zorn’s Tzadik label!) April 24, at Highwire Gallery.… Mere galleries away, Nexus and its fundraising chair, Ramona Lyons, hold a Procrastinator’s New Year’s Eve Party benefit for the foundation, April 25.… When not working with G.E. Smith, Lou Dog debuts his new trio at The Khyber April 30.… I’m empathetic with Entropy: WKDU’s Audio Entropy Fest that is. Drexel U’s station makes with the noise: West Philly’s Myles of Destruction, Too Damn Hype’s Heidnik, Chicago’s Yakuza, Relapse Records’ Phillyites Dysrhythmia (playing stuff from the due-soon Steve Albini-produced Pretest) and N.J.’s Postman Syndrome, which puts out Terraforming on Now or Never Records (April 24, at The Rotunda).… B-day this: Along with celebrating club anniversaries -- Billy Weiss’ Transit (three years), John “Johnny Ray” Tyson’s Flatspin Dancehall (one year; the shindig is April 24-25) -- give a birthday kiss to alterna-dudes Robert "Wunderbar" Fanelli and Jon "My Pal God" Solomon.