! And Evil

The scramble for a suitable New Year's Eve party is as desperate, savage and inept as finding a date for said affair. Suckers. Yet, as an inveterate drunk -- I mean, social critic -- it's my duty to put y'all at ease with scene and self. I've figured a nice mix of events where you can either lose yourself or your date.

1) New Year's Eve Gala 2003 at The Academy of Natural Sciences seems the sweetest first bet -- where you can get whacked and yell at fish or fowl over the din of guests Revisor, DJ Keith and host Mark "The Dentist" Simone's primal howling.

The Academy of Natural Sciences, 19th St. and the Parkway, 9 p.m.-2 a.m., $99 $125 VIP . Sold out, but check www.youngprofessionalevents.com for last-minute availability.

2) TPDS Club enters its third year with a formal ball (black-tie optional) featuring big, big balloons and bigger dancing marionettes. Plus hostess Allegra Saens Browne will climb rafters and swing. Literally.

TPDS Club, 114 S. 12th St., 215-873-0400, www.tpds.com, 9 p.m.-2:30 a.m., $125.

3) Rock Tits at Tritone rings in 2003 with weird science and eclectic spinners -- Philly Soul dog Dave Brown, Tritone owner Rick D, Dan Buskirk and Tits all-stars Nez and Joel.

Tritone, 1508 South St., 215-545-0475, 8 p.m.-2 a.m., $5.

4) Le Bec-Fin and Brasserie Perrier double-bubble-up for a surrealist menu by Chef Chris Scarduzio, followed by a midnight ring-ding with champagne and chocolate. Brasserie Perrier, 1619 Walnut St., 215-568-3000, seatings from 6-9 p.m., $100.

5) Pod and DJ Phillip Charles lead University City into the wading pool of 2003 wonderment with duck three-ways and Pod lobster with tempura claws. Pod, 3636 Sansom St., 215-387-1803, 8 p.m.-2 a.m.

6) Cuba Libre and 32® offer a prix-fixe four-course menu of traditional Cubano niceties at Cuba Libre -- mojitos included and preferred -- or just boozing. There'll also be a VIP bash so secret even Barry Gutin doesn't know. Cuba Libre, 10 S. Second St., 215-627-0666; 32®, 16 S. Second St., 215-627-3132, $100-$175.

7) Stephen Starr's got three odd options for Seventh and Chestnut: A Brady Bunch bake-off at the tony diner, Jones; Blue Angel's Francophiliac appetizer/entree splurge; or Morimoto's massive chef's tasting menu starting at $100. Jones, 700 Chestnut St., 215-223-5663; Blue Angel, 706 Chestnut St., 215-925-6889; Morimoto, 723 Chestnut St., 215-413-9070.

8) After-after-hours gets sicker still as Tribecca and Paperstreet host a peaceable battle between DJ crews Afterworld and Tigerhook. Tribecca, Richmond and Cumberland sts., 215-423-7990, 10 p.m.-10 a.m., $55.

9) It's a swinging couples-only affair -- except for the third babe hook up with -- as Club Kama Sutra (around 10th and South) welcomes chef, Bill Shapiro, who'll concoct a buffet of aphrodisiacal delights. Plus noisemakers and balloons, but who would care? Club Kama Sutra, 1-866-258-2257, www.clubkamasutra.com, 8:30 p.m.-2 a.m., $150 (couples), $20 (single women). --A.D. Amorosi