Midnight In the Garden of Good!

by Juliet Fletcher

Though we'd love to believe that ringing in the new year is an all-around unifying experience, NYE revelers tend to fall into two groups: those who seek style for their celebrations, and those who seek substance. (For those of you looking for stylish people and the possibility of controlled substances, please see A.D. Amorosi's picks of clubs and galas below.) But while most NYE snobs would rather spend next year under a rock than count down in a sweaty club, it's worth considering that most of the goody-goody events are also pretty shallow.

The oldest example of this might be the greatest: Mummers. Individually, I'm sure they're nice enough people. But put them within 100 feet of Market Street and suddenly all those colorfully dressed bands come to signify something much greater to all of us: A license to litter. Broad and Market sts., moving east to Fifth St., 215-636-1666, 10 a.m., free.

If you believe that a quality street parade should demonstrate a touch more civic responsibility, then make Phil Automaton your early evening destination: Spiral Q's first ever kinetic art procession planned for New Year's Eve will saunter through the streets of Old City, starting at 9 p.m.

Serious music preferable over kooky movement? Cozy up for the Philadelphia Orchestra’s New Year’s concert, a four-hour classical marathon, mixing seasonal dance numbers with the old crowd-pleaser, "Auld Lang Syne." For a more relaxed musical celebration, the Twelfth Annual Global Peace Dance will intertwine world traditions, such as Circle Dances, in their festivities -- though it'll leave out the overriding tradition of alcohol. Media Friends Meeting, 125 W. Third St., Media, 610-544-2778, 9 p.m.-1 a.m., $40. Bring snacks and non-alcoholic beverages to share.

Those of you who can't suppress the giggles through even the shortest ceremony can eschew the serious mood this year, care of improv troupe ComedySportz: the selling point of their New Year’z Eve Holiday Spectacular on Ice That’s Not Actually on Ice (besides taking oxymoronic titles to new lengths), will be the chance to witness one member of the team hold his or her breath underwater for a whole scene. Meant as an homage to The Poseidon Adventure -- which ComedySportz Director Tom McManus sincerely believes is "the greatest New Year's film of all time" -- but actually owing more to David Copperfield, the game, titled "Oxygen Deprivation," will presumably culminate in success, non-drowning and an exultant midnight toast. Playground at the Adrienne, 2030 Sansom St., 877-98-LAUGH, 7:30 and 10 p.m., $20, $17 for students.

Still, no matter your NYE stance, everyone ends up on the cusp of the bridge leading to Penn's Landing. Great Plaza at Penn's Landing, 215-922-2FUN, midnight, free. The cold air is spiced with gunpowder smoke; the sky is bright with comets and roman candles. And -- wait, what's that stuck to my shoe?