So much stuff, sad and glad, for you returning vacationers, student bodies and new kids on the block.… Waiter, is that a real umbrella in my drink?: Now that Jones is open (along with Morimoto and Blue Angel), Stephen Starr’ll look to get lounge-y at 718 Chestnut, the former Levinthal’s accessory shop.… Substitution -- of Fluid’s drum ’n’ bass Platinum parties -- hold their last Transit gig Sept. 7 with Imri, Armen and Moonshine’s Dara. That’s sad. But one bit of news they drop in their e-mail: “The venue has changed ownership and will be turned into something other than a club.” Dag. We knew it might happen, but have the Weiss Bros. indeed sold?… Trouble on South Street West: robbery at Bob and Barbara’s? Sewage back-ups at Tritone? What’s next? Jerks at the Jamaican Jerk Hut?… If you’re along Second and Race and hear the sound of culturally aware glampunk, it’s Helen Back (a.k.a. Jimi Mooney) and the STR8-Razors who happen to be Chris Unrath, Andrew Chalfen, Ned Sonstein (from Zonic Shockum) and John Doe.… Unrelated news, I saw a cow driving past Avenue B on Broad Street last week. I was not high at the time.… What was up Hope Sandoval’s ass? She stalked off stage during a half-full TLA show last week, stormed out the backstage door and headed down South until a venue rep told her to return to the show. She did (eventually) but even that crowd thinned.… When Ben Affleck and J-Lo aren’t at Trump Marina playing craps (10 bodyguards strong), filming Jersey Girl (with American Pie guy Jason Biggs just cast) along Eighth Street or roaming the Italian Market, Ms. Lo was at Matthew Izzo’s gallery. Her entourage double-parked in front of Izzo’s store, she entered and spent $300 on stuff (candles, ashtrays, vases, books) “to make her stay in Philly more comfortable,” says Joe Lekkas of Izzo’s.… And if you see Ben Gazzara and Anne Archer tooling around Ninth Street, it’s just because they’re filming The Shore, a Wildwood-based flick.… David Field’s currently clearing out the corner of 20th and Rittenhouse for Salt, a quaint neighborhood restaurant with whisk doorknobs.… West Philly’s Surrealist Front is moving from 4401 Pine to 45th and Springfield. (The landlord sold the house.) They didn’t go without a wake, a funeral or fuzak from Stinking Lizaveta and Sand Family.… Don’t scream: That really is Jeff Conaway (“Kenickie”) hosting Sing-a-Long Grease at the Prince Sept. 6-8 (see Mixpicks, p. 67).… Pyro Nitelife’s annual Young Professionals Ball hits Circa Sept 6. The Learning Channel will be there to find contestants for their program A Dating Story. There’s nothing funny I can add to that.… Hot on the heels of hosting Jazzanova at Silk on Sept. 5, Meredith Waldman brings Worship Recordings and Philly Soul Collective there Sept. 14 for The Shake Down with Rob Paine, Zacharijah and Willyum.… As if prepping for his Italian Market Royal Tavern isn’t enough, Steve Simons had lots on his hands when a transplanted …Trail of the Dead (from TLA when Queens of the Stone Age postponed) played the Khyber, went crazy, broke ceiling tiles and encouraged an on-stage mosh during their set. Jason Giballo kept the calm. Sadly, none of the Khyber-employed brothers Gallagher -- Shaun, Kevin, Brendan -- witnessed this as they’ve been either let go or maybe even quit. Rumors fly as to reasons. Irishman Chris Morris left for a new gig at Yards just in time.… Former famous South-Streeters Greg Davis (now living in Japan) Wally Smith and Ronny Crawford (now in Lisa Loeb’s band) performed as Crosstown Traffic in Kobe, Japan, this week. If you didn’t feel like flying, Davis’ll be back in Swarthmore (wife and two kids, ladies) next spring and releasing a live CD.… As The Bigger Lovers debut their new CD at the Khyber Sept. 7, opener Art DiFuria will too debut new stuff from his upcoming 10-tune Darla-label Photon Band CD.… The RushTV kids throw another rare-record sale at The Philadelphia Record Convention Sept. 8, 400 Arch St.… Sugar Town loves Ladyfest? How sweet. The all-age kids at the Balcony Sept. 8’ll appreciate hearing Undergirl, Cynthia Mason, Method + Result, Sashimi and Fursaxa with monies going to Ladyfest Philly, March 2003.… The Secession Movement hits the Balcony Sept. 5 to promote their soon-new CD We Need a Hill. (They’re playing with The English System, Apparatus Engine and Sand Which Is.)… First Friday at Tribecca? Dig the interactive music/action painting Twisted Art party with Artists at Large, Art of Perego, the sound of Hydrogen Jukebox and David Conn, performance chef.… You’re gonna need those stinkin’ badges when ReNo, Octavio X, Fetishes Boutique and TPDS on 12th Street host Military Fetish Night Sept. 6. Corporal punishment performance by Mistress D’Arcy!… Sad he’s leaving town: Dressy Fox morning dude Mike Jerrick is supposed to be leaving for greener pastures. No job. Just cool pastures.… Nice knowin’ ya: Author Neal Pollack for Austin. Guess too few people here sucked up to him. Sorry, man.… There’s no better way to spend a sacred, silent Sept. 11 than seeing Andy Warhol’s film Empire -- the seven-hour still life of The Empire State Building -- at 3 p.m. at the Chestnut Hill Library with Dan Buskirk providing appropriate sound (see Screenpicks, p. 32).