Save the Hole!

by Albo Jeavons

Do the words “visionary” and “cutting edge” leap to mind when you think of our city government? If so, please save some of whatever drug you’re on for me, because I could really use it right now. Once again City Hall has demonstrated its legendary ability to “think outside of the box” with its recently announced plan to take our DisneyHole, the former parking lot, recent multimillion dollar boondoggle, and current muddy pit at Eighth and Market, and … turn it back into a parking lot. Wow! It’s that kind of adventurous thinking that has made Philadelphia the burgeoning “City of the Future” that it is today.

OK, maybe I'm being a little harsh, but the whole DisneyHole story stinks so bad, I feel like I should wear a gas mask when I'm in that neighborhood. A brief DisneyHole recap:

Rich Guy From Suburbs (RGFS) tells city that Disney wants to bring DisneyQuest virtual theme park to Eighth and Market; city grovels before Disney empire, offers tens of millions of tax dollars in tribute to bloated plutocrats.

RGFS (you know, that guy who wants to tear down the Sameric) and confederates grease already-slick palms of Rendell and Street with, respectively, $35,000 and $82,000 as the Disney deal slithers through City Hall.

Promises and speculations, loans and bulldozers, back-rubbing and nest-feathering, stops and starts, tax breaks and campaign contributions.

Eventually the whole thing falls apart; Disney, distracted by its global empire, fumbles the DisneyQuest concept, pulls out of Philly project and closes DisneyQuest Chicago.

The city, concerned for the welfare of the bank accounts of the RGFS, does as promised and buys Hole from him when things fall apart. Touching, isn't it?

The DisneyHole sits for a couple of years: an eyesore to some, an embarrassment to others; a waste of tax dollars; a lucrative failure for some lawyers, bankers and realtors; an inaccessible open space in a crowded neighborhood; a glaring example of welfare-for-the-rich; and a vessel of possibilities for the creative.

A little over a year ago, walking past the Hole I thought (as we artists often do), "What a perfect spot to display one of my sculptures!" I have a little number called Business as Usual: a life-size sculpture of two businessmen on their hands and knees, one in front of the other, and the one in the back has his head firmly up the ass of the one in front. "What more fitting monument for the DisneyHole," I thought to myself as I was seized by my vision, "than that sculpture; perhaps 20 times larger than life-size, on a rotating platform. What a clarion call to our knighted citizenry; what a barb in the fundaments of the ruling elite; what a great one-liner!" And thus my plan was birthed.

I brainstormed: Not just a sculpture; let's make it a museum -- better yet, an urban museum/theme-park modeled (sort of) after the DisneyQuest idea. The Museum of Corporate Welfare! MOCOW: a cutting-edge multimedia edutainment center where people can learn some of the sordid history and current facts about Earth's currently dominant "life form," the corporation. Virtual rides and games! Engaging, enraging exhibitions! Fun! Thrills! History! And all of it for free!

So from where will the money for all of this come? Ordinarily we'd just tell the city that MOCOW will create jobs and increase tourism, and maybe threaten to take the project elsewhere, and the city would pony up the cash (can you say "stadium"?). Sadly, we don't have the liquid assets to make the completely unrelated and totally coincidental campaign contributions that would get us the green light on a bond issue or tax break, so no city funding. More brainstorming: Bring Ken Lay on board and hire Arthur Andersen to massage the books? Good in the short term, but could be a PR problem. Sell arms to the Axis of Evil and launder the money through the Cayman Islands? Too much competition from the government for that one to have substantial returns. How about corporate sponsorships? Maybe Disney would want to work up some sort of co-branding synergy? Probably not, but it got me thinking along fresh new lines.

Corporate crime! I can't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that the few corporations that are actually prosecuted for their crimes end up paying pennies on the dollar for the bulk of their illegal activities. A few tweaks to a few little laws: mandatory minimum fines for corporate crime and a "three strikes" law that would revoke the charter of any felonious corporation with the assets going into a special fund to finance a national chain of MOCOWs. Perfect!

Philly gets a new cultural attraction, people get to have some fun and get some smarts, and a few felonious corporations get offed. It sounds like a win-win situation to me.

I've got complete plans for MOCOW, including some of the proposed rides and games, at www.disneyhole.org if you want to take a look.

Albo Jeavons is a local artist and activist. If you would like to respond to this Slant or have one of your own (850 words), contact Howard Altman, City Paper executive editor, 123 Chestnut St., third floor, Phila., PA 19106 or e-mail altman@citypaper.net.