Summer Monster

The package tour -- something wicked this way comes.

“Ozzfest,” featuring Ozzy Osbourne, System of a Down, P.O.D., Drowning Pool, Adema, Black Label Society, Rob Zombie, Meshuggah, Pulse Ultra, Neurotica, Earshot, The Apex Theory, Lost Prophets, Flaw, 3rd Strike, Seether and OTEP

Kingdom: Bewitched

Phylum: Bothered

Class: Bewildered

Plumage: White, dovelike feathers occasionally ejected from mouth area.

Migratory habits: Every summer this creature stomps across the country followed by angry young assholes in denial of their latent white pride.

Defining behavior: Mumbling, staggering, the pee-pee dance.

Defining marks: Greening tattoos, running eye makeup.

Adaptive ability: Not necessary, apparently.

Mating call: "I love you all, but you're all fuckin' mad."

Special powers: This creature somehow manages to mess up lyrics that it has been singing for 30 years and that are being scrolled on a TelePrompTer right in front of it.

Weaknesses: Beer, big staircases, people who talk too fast. As one scientist puts it: "Is he live or dead? Has he thoughts within his head?"

Field notes: It is unclear at this point whether the Ozz-monster's battle cry of "I can't fuckin' hear you!" is an attempt to elicit a response from onlookers or a statement on its diminishing auditory capacity.

Expected arrival point: Fri., July 12, 9:30 a.m. to heat death, Tweeter Center, Mickle Blvd. and Riverside Dr., Camden, 215-336-2000, www.electricfactory.com, sold out.

—Patrick Rapa

Browse The
September 12, 2002
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