May 2- 8, 2002

loose canon

Honest Oxymorons

by Bruce Schimmel

Culture is born in contradiction, nurtured by hypocrisy and embodied best in oxymorons. These are the contradictions that tell the truth, the falsehoods that ordinarily float by in our everyday speech.

Military intelligence. Just war. Compassionate conservative. Democratic leadership.

Snatching at oxymorons is like grabbing at moths in a closet. You can snag a few and crush them in your hand, but chances are they've already laid their eggs. When their progeny awake, they'll consume our clothes, literally shredding our common decency -- which, come to think of it, isn't all that common, now, is it?

Still, as boys -- and girls -- make sport of flies, I can't resist poking through a list of everyday lies to pull off a couple of wings.

Oxymoronlist (www.oxymoronlist.com), which purports to be the largest on the Web, has upward of 1,500 oxymorons. It leads with a list of top 20, including: government organization; peace force; virtual reality; healthy tan.

By my theory, our most popular oxymorons should embody our biggest falsehoods, the contradictions that lend the most credibility to our culture.

So, what does Oxymoronlist crown as the No. 1 oxymoron, the really big lie?

Microsoft Works.

What I particularly like about this fiction are the special ironies that come with Microsoft having been convicted of being a monopoly.

Since Microsoft doesn't work, and most everyone uses the software anyway, then it is indeed a monopoly thrust upon us, a falsehood we are forced to accept.

But that's not necessarily bad. Since accepting common falsehoods as truth tends to unite us a people, accepting the mega-lie that Microsoft does work transforms the corporation into a cultural treasure that transcends mere commerce.

Kind of like another common oxymoron, organized religion -- which would imply that a rational system could be made of irrational beliefs.

This particular phrase, I note, is missing from Oxymoronlist. And there are other, local yokings of polar opposites which I'd also like to add.

Schuylkill Expressway, which isn't.

Philadelphia Gas Works, which doesn't.

Municipal Services Building, which isn't and doesn't.

SEPTA schedule, which can't.

But my favorite local oxymoron isn't a paradoxical phrase, but a contradiction contained in a single term.

Mummer. Mum's the word on that one.

E-mail me if you can think of other local oxymorons, and I'll print the best.

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