No Sweaters! No Socks!

What a man really wants for Christmas.

By a.d. amorosi

I didn't contribute to last week's Gifting spectacular. My hands were still greasy from handling Thanksgiving turkey. Hey, I don't even start shopping till Friday the 13th let alone make a list. But gather I have fer you a bunch of stuff 'at'll make your eggs nog.

I want to address those out there who are buying for men (or people with stubble). Men are a different breed of person to get gifts for. They look different, smell different and when you hit 'em with a jagged stick, all manner of treats comes out. The men's gift market is teeming with amazing portable machismo: electric razors, canteens and wading boots. Yuck.

All men are not Hemingway! We want to feel pretty and modern and smell like cigars, leather and meat. Here's what I found for the weird boy in us all:

The Ed Wood Collection ($34.95, Rhino Video) It's easy to joke about the inadvertently campy Wood — the infamously bad director who gave Bela Lugosi his last hurrah, made drag queens respectable and generated an aesthetic for career-weirdo Tim Burton — but there's nothing funny about a pink angora gift box containing three of his films on video. Three of Wood's finest film moments are here: 1953's plea for sexual sanity Glen or Glenda?, 1955's scientific dramaturgy Bride of the Monster and 1959's powerfully moving and strategically designed Plan 9 From Outer Space . The packaging is billowy lush pinkness. Mmm, Rhino has made a bold leap into making Wood a subject of serious study.

(If you're looking for campy and cinematic music, see Las Vegas Strip [$10.99], the four-record package of '50s strip tunes, or soundtrack ubermeister Danny Elfman's new Music For a Darkened Theater [$19.99] chock full of eerie, Theremin-filled soundtrack wonders.)

The Space Jam Mug ($10) Looking to scare the sportster in everyone? Check out Warner Brothers' stores for their Space Jam collection and you'll find the frightening Michael Jordan mug. In glossy, greasy detail, Jordan's shiny face blankly stares out into an abyss where you can almost imagine him as — Ahh! — Dennis Rodman's evil and equally grasping twin.

The Swinging Dick Combo The cigar/martini movement is based on one thing: dick. Guys who still have one, women who still want one. That's how it was for bachelor-pad progenitors Frank, Dean, Sammy and their little buddy Esquivel. You can make someone's zing-a-ding swing when you give Dean Martin: The Capitol Years ($24.99), Sammy Davis'I've Gotta Be Me: The Reprise Years ($15.98) and an Xmas disc like Christmas Cocktails ($15.98) all at once.

Martin and Davis are the sound of '50s machismo as it gently glided away from Anglo-Saxon-ness. For all you guys who don't know a single malt from a tie bar, Martin's boozy lan can be found shaken ("Ain't That a Kick in the Head"), stirred ("Just in Time") or slurred ("Hey Brother, Pour the Wine"). Martin is a heady martini to Davis' full-bodied scotch. Deeply theatrical with a husky voice, Davis made self-actualization a male catch phrase. Pleading needing stuff like "Who Can I Turn To,""Yes I Can" and "I've Gotta Be Me" assert maleness where sweetness could be misconstrued.

These CD packages are healthier than giving your man cigars and he'll know what to do with these.

(There's a great black 'n' silver smoking jacket in this season's Neiman-Marcus catalog if you wanna add some visual spice to this deal.)

Meat & Potatoes That's right. It's the real reason why I have a lifetime subscription to the New Yorker; not the fine fiction or witty banter but those great food ad sidebars! Call (802) 434-4444, Harrington's of Vermont, for hams and turkeys so fresh you'll feel like you shot 'em yourself ($39); (800) 579-0333 for Butch LongSteaks of Nebraska (love that name, girls?) Only $54.95 for eight 6-ounce filet mignonsso thick you'll swoon and top it off with a call to (800) 294-6868 for The Right Potatoes' boxed set assortment of restaurant potatoes ($15.50 for four 2-pound bags).

Unshaven Men Before 10 a.m. (Beyond Words, $24.99) is a frightening photographic look at what people like Phillippe Starck, Harry Dean Stanton and Dermot Mulroney look like as they're waking up. The book comes from French photo gal Veronique Vial. If she thinks these guys are sexy, so be it. If I looked this bad when I woke up — I mean, Harry Dean Stanton — I'd apply the electric razor I mentioned, hack off my prick and sail to Mars. A great warning sign for those who want to overindulge this holiday.

And if all else fails, give the man you love dirty magazines, a couple of Van Halen records and a carton of Marlboros!

SPACEJUNK: Nobody's breaking up necessarily, but burning out or expatriating could be the case for Go To Blazes and Strapping Fieldhands. After returning from a big Euro-tour, several members of the twangrock Blazes are hightailin' it out of town to live while beard growing Tom Heymen seems hep to join ZZ Top. Maybe they'll tour Europe, maybe they'll make another record. Rumor is they've had enuff. The same holds true for the avant Fieldhands. Strapping Fieldhands just put out one new disc on Shangri-La and a singles compilation on Siltbreeze, but SF — currently unable to seal up a touring schedule — is rumored to be on the fringe of breaking up. Jaycee could join the Phillies, Bob Dickie could do his Bogosian-like rants at his Italian Market shop and singer Bob Malloy could become the Faulkner he's always wanted to be. If you love 'em, call them and ask them to stay together... Mystery of the week stems from the after hours boite 111: "Who's Pat?"... No sooner than Deb & Dean form the spacepunk Circles & Soda Pop and work with heavyweight Joe Frazier (long story, another time) they've recorded four tunes in studio AND shot a video (at Palmer Social) for their tune "Punk." Catch them without Frazier at Silk tonight, Thursday, Dec. 12, and Pontiac Friday, Dec. 20... Ulana's Downtown Rock Lounge got a Kafka-esque L? scrunch over the weekend, right when Caterpillar hit the stage... Cig makers R.J. Reynolds & KBA (Kelvin S. in the house) are holding a way-too-funky "Bartender's Ball" at FUBAR (huh?) on Tuesday, Dec. 17. The gig for bar/club employees/owners will feature Crazy G's All Fellas band, DJ Chill and, ouch, De La Soul. But you gotta be invited so start barbacking... Shampoo, the renovating ex-MilkBar, will not open Saturday, Dec. 21 as advertised. Looking for all those fancy tiles takes longer than expected... If "retro-lounge" is too tiny for ya', look to big band swing and Club Saturn as it opens Fridays to dancing, and dressing to City Rhythm Orchestra...Will Tang's Chinese eatery on South Street become a blues bar?... The Roxy Screening Rooms on Sansom Street have been renovated with new seats and popcorn machines, when's the grand re-opening?... NYC party-host Mark Berkley (Limelight, Palladium) will bring his drag-y, Bump-At-Large gig to Egypt Thursday, Dec. 12 with Wigstock's Girlina and Candis Cayne in tow..."Let Freedom Ring," the new tune from the newly reformed Pretty Poison has entered the Billboard dance chart at no. 5. Mo'Jade Starling/Egypt stuff next week... Look for Joe Koz's Meth Wish to open for Corrosion of Conformity Saturday, Dec. 14, the very band Koz has been roadieing for...DJ Rich Russo's industrial Monday night at Evolution may shut down soon unless you black-lipstick-wearing motherfuckers get your asses over there. So don't bitch about there not being enough Industrial nights if it comes to an end. You've also got Bank Wednesdays and WDRE Saturdays at FUBAR (huh?) where Chaz spins industrial. If you don't show, don't bitch!... Goofball Xmas gigs? Check out the Last Minute Jingle Jam at Pontiac and Kenn Kweder at Artful Dodger (both Dec. 13) so you can hear mature local rockers drunkly reveling AND the Rat Pack holiday soiree Dec. 15 at Silk City when DJs Aaron and Kurt ring-a-ding in the season... Weird band people are having weird birthdays: see Bill Reim, MC Cold 40 and my mother for reference. All three will celebrate the joint b-day with a long, ugly jam session. My mom tears up on drums.