Red Bell’s grandiose plans to become the beer world’s Pet Rock have resulted in nothing more than empty promises, angry investors and a barrage of delusional press releases that even the Gee Whiz Kids at the Inquirer business section have stopped believing. Its hapless leader, Jim Bell (who after more than seven years has yet to quit his day job), even conceded in print that he prefers grape Juicy Juice to his own beer.

Best Incestuous Relationship

The breakup and subsequent street brawl between the Brew Pubs Formerly Known as Dock Street is more than a year old, and getting older by the minute. First, the original brewpub is sold to one group, and the non-brewpub interests to Henry Ortlieb (see below). Then some of the first group take over two temples of the Red Bell Kingdom of Smoke & Mirrors (see above). Then there’s months of quarrels, finger-pointing and confusion over who owns what, until two of the places mysteriously wake up one day as Independence (see NASDAQ penny stocks) to avoid paying tribute money to Jeffrey Ware (see below) and the other as Dock Street the Original (whose brewer wisely headed for the hills of Fairmount), only to turn into the hopelessly square Mermaid Club at night (see Shit List of everyone who sold them advertising). Shut up and brew some beer, already!

Best Pissing Away of Other Peoples’ Money

Not to be outdone by Red Bell, the heir-apparent of one of Philadelphia’s great brewing families, Henry Ortlieb, appealed to the vanity of some of Philly’s heaviest hitters and proceeded to build a multimillion-dollar house of cards consisting of Dock Street’s non-brewpub interests that nobody cared about; his own Poor Henry’s line of beers that even fewer people cared about; a Northern Liberties brewpub-cum-boxing arena that nobody went to; and a beer distributorship that never distributed any beer. It’s all part of brewery lore now, after Ortlieb was seen racing to the phone last year to file Chapter 11 as Jeffrey Ware marched up to his front door with a sheriff to reclaim his ownership of the Dock Street name.

Best Beer in a Bad Economy

Despite a slumping economy, despite the unfortunate phenomena of Yuengling Lager and Pabst Blue Ribbon, despite the staggering ignorance of Philly’s population to what’s going on in its own backyard, Victory Brewing Company of Chester County keeps churning out great suds for weekender and Beer Geek alike, with a consistency that’s beginning to rival that of the Big Boys. If you drink Lager, try theirs. If you like to feel what you drink, try their Golden Monkey.

Best Place to Find a Beer Writer

If you need some info about beer and want to talk to a real person about it, there’s no other, finer place in America to do so than Philadelphia. From veteran, locally produced publications like Malt Advocate (www.whiskeypages.com) and Beer Philadelphia (www.beerphiladelphia.com, produced by yours truly) to newspaper staffers like Don Russell (Daily News) and Brian Howard (City Paper ) to freelancers like Jack Curtin, Lew Bryson, Priscilla Estes and Gary Monterosso to brewery and bar owners who write on the side like Bill Covaleski and Michael Scotese, it’s no wonder that the rest of the world already knows that Philly is the modern-day Mecca of Better Beer.

Worst Television Beer Programming

Within two weeks of each other this summer, second-tier public television stations WYBE and WLVT featured local journalist Lew Bryson and the dreadfully dull video version of his not-so-dull book, Pennsylvania Breweries, on not-quite-prime-time segments of their Beg-a-Thons. World-class WHYY’s answer during its pledge drive just one month later? You guessed it, only this time, Bryson had the added task of playing Ed McMahon to station camera hog, Ed Cunningham.

Best McBrewpubs

If you’re not repulsed by the chain-operation mentality, then there are two brewpub chains in the area that are worth visiting. Iron Hill is based in Newark, Del., with other locations in West Chester and Media. They brew both ales and lagers — some quite serious — and feature upscale decor with open kitchens that produce entrees that give some of the pricier suburban restaurants a run for their money. John Harvard’s runs out of Boston, and their locations in Wilmington, Wayne and Springfield (Delco) churn out a vast array of American and European beer styles alongside mammoth portions of gourmet pub grub.

Best Guys in a Tough Town

It takes more than snubs by local TV stations and event promoters to get the good folks at Yards down. It’s moving to a new, larger brewery this month, it’s starting to sell its historically inspired brews in liter-sized bottles, it’s doing tons of charity work and it still finds time to come out to support its local economy at taverns all over the city. We should all love our city this much.

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