May 3–10, 2001

mix picks|television

Outback Stakeout

Kucha-coo: Elisabeth Filarski was the last of her tribe.

If you’re like me then you can’t get enough of Survivor II. Also, you are a big dork. And you probably already know tonight is the final episode, where one lucky, scheming jerk will leave the Australian Outback with a million bucks (the other suckers slump away with mere thousands and the consolation prize of fleeting fame). If you haven’t been watching, but wanna know what’s going on at your dork friend’s Survivor Finale Party, here’s the story so far:

Sixteen annoying Americans were dropped off in Paul Hogan’s Fantasy Ranch and told to starve, take quizzes and jump around to earn food and a chance to keep playing. (Once an episode they get mad and vote somebody off, but you knew that). Thirteen are gone. Dusty red devil Debb was too gruff. Soldierboy Kel was accused of smuggling beef jerky. Aged tooth decay-sufferer Maralyn (a.k.a. Mad Dog) would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids. Mitchell was too lanky and wussy. Vegetarian Kimmi couldn’t shut up for like five seconds and cried every time a kangaroo got a cold and apparently also stank. Psycho pig-killer Michael fell face-first into a campfire and had to be med-evac’d to civilization (no shit!). Jeff whined and threw up like a sorority chick the whole time he was there. Sporty Alicia was too strong and smart (and therefore a threat to the voters, see?). Jerri was the worst person in the world ever. Quiet, boring Nick was too strong. Amber was Jerri’s pet hamster. Rodger was too old and nice. Young Elisabeth, whose oedipal love for Rodger was well-documented, was too cute — adorability can be a threat, too. (Of course, she wasn’t nearly as sweet as the bug-infested Colleen Haskell from Survivor I. Last night I dreamt I was a tube of Blistex.)

The final three are an interesting mix. Keith is an Oakleys-wearing chef who is either playing dumb or the real thing. Never trust a guy who hides his eyes. Colby is a young, strong, Texas yahoo who wins every challenge. Last week he got a truck, some crackers and a visit from his cracker mother. ("Mom, I’ve only used the bathroom three times since I got here," he tearfully informed her. Thanks CBS!) Lastly there’s the stringy, sneaky Tina who’s survived on her southern charm, huggy demeanor and unflinching lies.

Tonight, one chump will be eliminated in the first hour. Then the remaining two will give whiny speeches to a jury of the recently-kicked-off. Also, the jury members get to ask questions and make grammatically shameful statements to determine which of the two deserves the million, and which gets to meet the Barbera Bear. This means Jerri, Satan’s puppet, gets more air time. But it also means we get to hear Elisabeth again, and we can tape it and watch that part over and over again because we all love her, right? We love you Elisabeth.

—Patrick Rapa

Thu., May 3, 8 p.m., CBS, Channel 3. We love you too, Colleen.